Uninvited Guest
I have been blessed with wonderful friends. They add much joy to my life. Many of them remember my birthday. And most of them call before they come. But recently, I had an uninvited guest in my home. He barged right into my house without being asked, and he refused to leave even when we [...]
Wanted: Translator
I am being forced to learn a new language. In spite of the fact that I was born here, in spite of the fact that I have lived here all my life, I can no longer get by using my native tongue. My world has been invaded, and the invaders have changed the language. And [...]
Letter of Complaint
Dear Mr. Oreo, I have long been a loyal customer of yours. Over the years, I have bought multiple bags of every variety of your delicious cookie. After mastering the technique of consuming your original product, I’ve moved on to the chocolate filling, the strawberry filling, and the granddaddy of them all, the Double Stuff. [...]
Beginning at the End
After twelve years of being a full-time, stay-at-home mom, I have decided to spread my wings a bit. I’ve decided to turn in my apron for a chalkboard. I’m returning to the classroom. Now, this will be a difficult transition for me. After all, you know what stay-at-home moms do. We lie in bed and [...]
Immunizations
The conversation around the breakfast table went something like this: Me: Foster, would you like to go and visit the fire station today? Foster: No, thank you. Me: (Surprised.) Really? I thought you’d love to see the fire station. You’ll get to see the firemen and the trucks up close. Foster: (Around a mouthful of [...]
Pie and Ice Cream
This week, I experienced my moment of glory. You know what I mean: that once-in-a-lifetime flash of total perfection and success. It is a moment I will cherish when I am old and gray, reminiscing about the high points of my life. I baked a homemade apple pie, with fresh apples from my very own [...]
Earthquakes
There were some new tourists on a beach in San Diego last weekend. Apparently, after an earthquake caused quite a rumble, some giant squid became disoriented and washed up on shore. The forty-pound, four-foot-long sea creatures have eight arms and two long tentacles. Each arm has hundreds of suction cups, each one surrounded by tiny, [...]
Dad-gum Quiz!
After many years of resisting the devil, I have finally caved in to temptation. I have gone over to the dark side. I have tossed my high principles to the wind. I have joined Facebook. Now, if you have to ask what Facebook is, never mind. I don’t want to tempt you with the sordid [...]
No Talking!
“Doctor, I can’t –“ (cough!) “talk,” I rasped. Duh. She could clearly tell I had laryngitis. Even I knew that. “Breathe deeply for me,” she said. I obeyed, and was sent into the nastiest, most pitiful coughing fit you’ve ever heard. I sounded like an eighty-year-old man who had smoked for sixty of those years. [...]
Just Like Daddy
I have a new yardman. He is blonde, tan, strong and handsome. The other day, as he mowed my lawn, I snapped pictures of him. Did I mention he is seven years old? From the time he could walk, Foster has “helped” his daddy mow our lawn. He faithfully pushed his Little Tykes mower behind [...]
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